People That Repeat Events in Their Lives Over and Over Again

April 25, 2013 • Contributed past Tom Wooldridge, PsyD, Family of Origin Issues Topic Practiced Contributor

History repeats itself, especially in our psychological lives and in our relationships.

Although this fact has been recognized for millennia, one of its earliest formulations in the field of psychology is called repetition coercion. According to Freud (1914) repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats a traumatic consequence or its circumstances over and over again, either in real life or in dreams.

Does this idea resonate with you? Are in that location patterns you tend to repeat in your relational life that you merely can't seem to break or, at the very least, have been boring in changing?

Although Freud attempted many explanations of this phenomenon, some more satisfactory than others, it was only in later years that we've gained a fuller picture of why these sorts of events are repeated.

Over the grade of our lives, nosotros collaborate with many different systems. However, our family of origin – the first system we encounter – has the most pervasive influence on our emotional and physical development and hereafter relationships. As we grow upwards, our parents teach us what'south good or bad, valued or worthless, important or unimportant. In many cases, nosotros learn this from what our parents say and practise. In other cases, we learn more indirectly, impacted past our family's emotional atmosphere [ane].

Dorothy was a 45-year-onetime adult female who came to psychotherapy knowing exactly what the problem was but with no idea how to solve it. Mostly, I was struck by her exhaustion – she had deep circles below her eyes and looked completely drained.

"I'thou not living my own life anymore," she quickly told me.

As nosotros talked, I learned that Dorothy was exclusively caring for her aging mother, in spite of the fact that her ii sisters lived less than an hour away. She visited her mother forenoon and night. Near days, they talked on the phone ten times. Dorothy'due south female parent was emotionally calumniating, oftentimes calling her a terrible, mean daughter; at other times, she phoned Dorothy's husband to mutter almost Dorothy's failings. Dorothy never confronted her female parent or insisted that her sisters contribute to their mother'south care.

Dorothy experienced ongoing emotional neglect during her childhood. Although her mother was well intentioned, she'd suffered from astringent mental health issues. Dorothy recounted innumerable incidents in which she sought, without success, to elicit her mother's beloved. "I remember her lying on the burrow almost every afternoon when I got habitation from school. She'd been crying and hadn't inverse out of her pajamas."

After a cursory pause, I asked, "You only wanted her to notice you lot?"

Dorothy sighed. "Yes," she connected, "just no matter what I did, that never happened. I brought abode artwork from school, cleaned up the business firm. Several times, I even cooked dinner. But my female parent never got off the couch or thanked me for my effort."

"I wonder," I offered, "whether y'all're still trying to get her to love you at present." Dorothy began to cry, a first lightly simply then in more than heavily, making contact with deeply held simply rarely acknowledged feelings of thwarting and loss.

We all go out our family of origin with emotional baggage. Some people have more than luggage than others, and some are more enlightened of what'south packed in their bags than others [1]. Learning what'south packed in these bags, and perhaps deciding to work through and get out a few items behind, is the essence of family of origin piece of work.

Dorothy understood that she was repeating a blueprint from her early childhood. Simply change did non come up quickly. Over a series of meetings, nosotros discussed the potent emotional pull Dorothy felt to recapture her female parent's dearest and attending – though she freely admitted that she'd never had these in the get-go place. Several months afterward, Dorothy came in and said, "My mother started insulting me again on the phone today."

"And?" I said, waiting for her to respond.

"And I told her, 'If you can't speak to me kindly, so we'll have to talk another fourth dimension. Maybe tomorrow when you're feeling better.'"

"What happened side by side?" I asked

Dorothy sighed. "She kept going, similar we expected she would. But I rose to the occasion. I said, 'I'm deplorable female parent, we'll have to talk later,' and I hung upwardly the phone."

This commodity volition be continued in time to come installments.

References:

1. Brown, F.H. (2006). Reweaving the family tapestry: A multigenerational approach to families. New York: W.West. Norton & Company.
2. Freud, S. (1914). Remembering, Repeating and Working-Through (Further Recommendations on the Technique of Psycho-Analysis II). The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume XII (1911-1913): The Case of Schreb¬¬History Repeats Itself

© Copyright 2013 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Tom Wooldridge, PsyD, Family of Origin Issues Topic Expert Contributor

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